What are the limits within which parents may interfere in their son’s marriage? Is he sinning if he goes against their wishes?

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What are the limits within which parents may interfere in their son’s marriage? Is he sinning if he goes against their wishes?
I have got to know a girl recently and we have agreed to get married, but my family is strongly opposed to that. If I marry her by going against my parents’ wish, am I doing a wrong thing?

 

Praise be to Allaah.

With regard to your family’s objections to this marriage, you should note that the parents’ relationship to their son’s marriage may take several forms, such as the following;

1-

Not approving of any girl whom he chooses for himself as a wife.

2-

Not approving of a girl whom he chooses, but their objection is for legitimate shar’i reasons, such as if she has a bad reputation, or she is not Muslim – even though marriage to a Christian or Jewish woman is basically permissible.

3-

Not approving of a girl whom he chooses, because he is not infatuated with her and he does not fear any harm to himself if he does not marry her.

4-

The same scenario as that mentioned above, but he is infatuated with her, and fears fitnah for himself if he does not marry her.

5-

Forcing him to marry a girl whom they choose for him, even if she is religiously committed and of good character.

6-

Only worldly reasons, like the girl is not beautiful (although she is a good Muslim) or is not of same race, caste, language or any such related reasons.

It seems to us from the rulings on the scenarios mentioned above that the son should obey his parents in the second and third cases, and that it is definitely obligatory for him to do so in the second case. In the second case the matter is clear and he has to obey them, because he is going to do something that is bad for their son and may also affect them.

In the third case it is permissible for him, but obeying them is obligatory, and what is obligatory takes precedence over what is permissible.

As for the first, fourth, fifth and sixth scenarios, it does not seem that he is obliged to obey them, because choosing a wife is the son’s right, not the parents’; they may intervene in some cases but not in all. Preventing him from marrying any girl he chooses, regardless of whether she is religiously-committed or not, is pointless and he does not have to obey them.

The same applies if he is infatuated with a woman and fears fitnah if he does not marry her. In this case he does not have to obey them if they tell him to leave her and not marry her, because that may lead to evil and fitnah that Islam came to prevent.

It is definite that he should not obey them in the fifth case, which is where they force him to marry a girl whom they have chosen. This is not a matter in which he is obliged to obey them. Rather it is akin to food and drink: he may choose whatever he wants to eat and drink, and they have no right to control that.

Ibn Muflih al-Hanbali (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

The parents have no right to force their son to marry someone he does not want. Shaykh Taqiy al-Deen (i.e., Ibn Taymiyah – may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Neither of the parents has the right to force their son to marry someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses then he is not sinning by disobeying them, because no one has the right to force him to eat food he finds off-putting when there is food that he wants to eat, and marriage is like that and more so. Food that one is forced to eat is unpleasant for a short while, but a forced marriage lasts for a long time, and it harms a person and he cannot leave it. End quote. 

Al-Adaab al-Shar’iyyah (1/447) 

We advise you to try to convince your parents so that you can combine two good things: obeying them and marrying the one with whom you are infatuated. You can get married without your mother’s knowledge, and try to guide her and advise her, and say du’aa’ for her and for your father.

You should remember that because it is permissible for you to marry whomever you want and you do not have to obey your parents (in this matter), you should not fear their du’aa’ against you or their being angry with you, because that is a sinful du’aa’ which Allaah will not accept from them, in Sha Allaah, unless you are wronging them and transgressing against them. Because it is permissible for you to marry without adhering to their wishes, you will not be sinning or doing wrong.

Shaykh Muhammad Al Munajjid 

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وہ کون سی حدود ہیں جہاں تک والدین کو بیٹے کی شادی میں دخل کا اختیار ہے؟ اور اگر ان کی پسند کے بغیر شادی کی جائے تو کیا یہ گناہ ہے؟

سوال: حال ہی میں میری ملاقات ایک لڑکی سے ہوئی اور اب میرا اس سے شادی کا ارادہ ہے۔ لیکن میرے والدین (خصوصاً میری ماں) اس رشتے کے شدید خلاف ہے۔ براہ کرم مجھے بتائیں کہ اگر میں ان کی مرضی کے خلاف یہ شادی کروں تو کیا یہ گناہ ہوگا؟

جواب: الحمد للہ۔۔۔

آپ کے والدین کی اس شادی میں مخالفت مندرجہ ذیل وجوہات کی بنا پر ہو سکتی ہے:

1
آپ کی پسند کردہ لڑکی انہیں پسند نہیں۔
2
شرعی وجوہات کی وجہ سے مخالفت، جیسے کہ لڑکی اچھے کردار کی نہ ہو، یا مسلمان ہی نہ ہو۔
3
شرعی وجوہات سے ہٹ کر دنیاوی وجوہات کی بنا پر مخالفت، جیسا کہ اگر اس لڑکی سے آپ نے شادی نہ بھی کی تو آپ کو کسی قسم کا نقصان نہیں ہو گا۔
4
اگر آپ نے اس لڑکی سے شادی نہ کی تو بہت ممکن ہے کہ کسی گناہ یا فتنے کا مرتکب ہو جائیں۔
5
بیٹے کے لئے اپنی پسند کی لڑکی کا انتخاب۔
6
صرف دنیاوی وجوہات کی بنا پر مخالفت۔ جیسا کہ لڑکی کی الگ قومیت، زبان، نسل یا رنگ کی بنا پر مخالفت۔

اگر اب اوپر دی گئی وجوہات کو دیکھا جائے، تو آپ کو اپنے والدین کی اطاعت نمبر 2 اور 3 پوائنٹ پہ کرنی چاہئے۔
جبکہ نمبر 1، 4، 5 اور 6 میں ان کی اطاعت ضروری نہیں۔ کیونکہ اپنے لئے شریک حیات کا انتخاب بیٹے کا حق ہے، والدین کا نہیں۔ وہ صرف کچھ معاملات میں دخل دے سکتے ہیں لیکن سب میں نہیں۔ بیٹے کو شادی سے روکنا، صرف لڑکی کے رنگ، نسل، قبیلہ اور زبان کے فرق کی وجہ سے بلکل بے بنیاد ہے، اور ایسی صورت میں ان کی اطاعت لازم نہیں۔
ٴ
ایسی صورت میں اگر بیٹا والدین کی پسند اور مرضی کے خلاف شادی کرے، تو اس نے کوئی گناہ نہیں کیا، اور اگر والدہ بد دعا دیں یا بیٹے کے لئے منہ سے غلط کلمات نکالیں تو انشاءاللہ، اللہ کے حکم سے قبول نہیں ہوگا۔

ان سب باتوں کی روشنی میں میرا آپ سے یہی مشورہ ہیکہ کہ اپنی والدہ کو منائیں اور ان کو دین کی رو سے حقائق سے آگاہ کریں۔ اس کے بعد ان سے اپنے، اپنی بیوی کے لئے اور آئندہ شروع ہونے والی آپ کی زندگی کے لئے دعا کرنے کا کہیں۔

شیخ محمد صالح المنجد

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